Fasting Day 10 of 40: Temptation

Whew! Made it to the first hump. A part of me didn’t think it was possible and now 40 seems like a much smaller number. This is comforting because today has probably been the most significant in terms of challenge. Anything is possible when the heart and spirit are aligned with the mind and will, and today all four wanted to head each way. To sit here and type is a small miracle unto itself because I truly would rather be curled up in the shower. This brings us to the theme of today.

But first, a story. At the age of 12 my mother brought home a box of donuts for everyone to share. We each had one and then those remainders were just sitting there. Over the course of an hour I ate each of them as I walked by. When one of my sister’s exclaimed “Hey who ate all of the donuts?!” I, like everyone else responded, “I don’t know.” The only difference is, I still had donut glaze on my face. This may have been cute if I was 4 or 5, but at that age it wasn’t appreciated and became a joke for many years with me and my siblings.

There have been many times since then that I have used the reasoning, “I couldn’t help myself,” “I really wanted it” “Just one more time wont hurt.” As justification for whatever action I was about to take. Each time I knew full well that it would not benefit me nor anyone around me, and to the contrary, would most likely be hurtful to my cause. I allowed my desire to overcome my sense of self-worth and integrity. Even if you don’t have the donut glaze on your face for everyone else to see, the knowing that we could have done better is the true evidence. We don’t carry it on our face, but in our soul.

After many years of, snorting, shooting, drinking, sipping, smoking, lusting, and hitting, I found the answer to my consuming desire: saying NO.

It seems simple and somewhat glib so I’ll add some more to it. It is to say NO and mean it. It isn’t to hate the thought, or the desire; no such energy is required. IT is simply NO. There were times I thought I would die if I didn’t have another cigarette. I’d pace back and forth just burning for it until I either gave up and smoked one, or misplaced that energy into one of the above. There were nights on the sofa with a bottle of vodka that went down too easy and came up too hard. Afterwards I would say something like “never again.” In a few days, weeks, or months I’d find it again.

Each time I was in judgement of myself and the habit. This created a pattern of overindulgence, swearing off, and coming right back to the habit. Moderation would have been key were I able to discover it at the time, and now “NO” works just fine. To be effective this kind of no has to come from a place deep within. It is not for or from any other person. It is the kind of no that is backed up with the courage of the 300 Spartans. Every man who stayed in the pass died saying NO to a force they did not want in their land. That is the power and courage of a well placed NO. Their decision to do so prevented Persia from overtaking Greece and has preserved the world with great wonders of art, science, philosophy and math.

We do not have to put ourselves before an enemy force and have an “it’s you or me moment.” The power of the “NO” builds as you work with it. We may slip up from time to time and dabble with our temptation, but we find that resolve to say it once more. A large part of the power in it is the ability to forgive yourself when you change your mind to a maybe or a yes. Sometimes we need to check, double check and triple check to make sure something is not for us. And sure enough it usually isn’t. We then again return to the no and each time we find a little more resolve and a little more compassion for ourselves and those around us.

There is a world of difference between the no, and a NO. In my experience my no means maybe. My NO means absolutely not. There is no room for entertaining the thought for more than an instant before it passes by. If that temptation knocks at your door, try giving it a NO. If you let it in with a no, be gentle with yourself as you learn the lesson again. It only gets better and easier from here.

All the Love,

Ryan Orion

Fasting Notes:

I started off today hot and furious, ready to take on the world. The energy is great, the rain is gone, and the sun is shining. This was kind of like a race horse using all the gallop out of the gate. I need to remind myself this is more of a marathon and less of a sprint. I’ve usually identified as more of a sprinter, so this is a fun learning curve.

Emotionally I am feeling the effects strongly. I am reminded how many times I have used food for comfort when I experience the deep dark lows. I feel myself reaching for anything nearby to fill the void that I think will fill it in that moment. Nothing fills it or can fill it except a return to peace. Those moments of intense agitation are brief and soon the water is smooth.

Funnily, on Saturday the place I began offering my services at had an open house, and of course there were plates of food and cake. The desire was there and I even heard a few cookies and a plate of hummus talking to me briefly. A few well placed “NO”s and I was back into safety. As far as food goes, that has been the greatest temptation yet.