My name is Ryan Frary.
I began this life with that name. I’ve had many names and nicknames. RJ, Boo-boo, Bubba, Frare, FrereBear and more. Each one whether given to me or created by me, captured a part of who I am, but never quite got the full picture. I always loved nicknames and titles. “Ryan is a fine name” I had thought, “but rather boring.” I wanted something more exciting, more “me.” Every time I would go by a new name, it would feel fun but I ultimately felt further from myself. In time I realized that the problem was not the name, but my relationship with it. I felt inadequate with myself, so I felt that way about my name.
When the idea for Ryan Orion as a stage name and business came in, it felt perfect. It has a great ring to it and is tied directly to what I want to do in this life, joining the gap between Earth and the stars. I did not realize that I was perpetuating the cycle of self-judgement and feelings of being unworthy. Furthermore, the creation of the character Ryan Orion, despite having parts that are authentically me, placed me more in my ego. This augmented the schism between myself and Self, the part of us that knows ourselves through others and as Divine. If you have followed the blog, the entry titled “Peter Priesthood” will shed more light on this theme.
Also, Ryan Orion has no past. I liked the idea of starting over fresh without any baggage or past deeds to hold me back. Although freeing at first, this added to the self-judgement of Ryan Frary. By separating myself from my past, I stopped being able to learn from it. I began to distance and judge people along my life path, and negated the responsibility I had in my own actions. We all want to feel lighter, but the cost may be too high if it destroys the bridge to where we came from and where we are now. We are each exploring the relationship between the past, present, and future. We do not want our past to rule us, nor allow our desire for a certain future to imprison us. Our best option then is to dance between the two in our Now moments. It is in that dance that we find our real Self.
I judged and hated Ryan Frary for many years of my life. He was too weak, too ugly, too rude and more. To let that all go and just be is what I began to experience as Ryan Orion. But of course those patterns do not stop with a name change. I could pretend, but those same thoughts and feelings began to ooze to the surface. As they began to arise once more, they became harder to ignore, as I had began to repress the parts of myself that had caused them to arise in the first place. I began to have all of the same “problems” of Ryan Frary, without the context, or the memory of where they came from. This is one of the reasons why I did the 40 day fast. I had a deep desire to get to the root of my suffering and perceived lack.
I found it. The root of all of the pain in my life has been from separating myself from others and even myself. I believe that is the core wound for all of us. Judgement, comparison and pride are the three calls of descent from Unity into individuality. We are faced daily with the opportunity to choose those three, or Accountability, Appreciation, and Interconnectedness. I find that my joy is in discovering my relation to others, and less so from the bolstering of the “me” I perceive. It is in the release of myself as separate or better than anyone else that I have begun to heal.
I am letting go of Ryan Orion. I am thankful for the lessons I learned with that name. It is from taking on the name that led me to this moment. And in this moment I am happy, whole, and better adjusted to move on in this life with grace and purpose. It was from trying to destroy the “real” me and replace it with an imagined version that I have gained so much insight. Instead I now intend to embrace those weaker “real” parts with the qualities of my higher self. In truth, there is only one name, God. We each get to explore individual names and separation before we return to that knowing. In the meantime, my birth name is good enough.
My name is Ryan Frary.
All the Love,
Ryan
Notes:
I am unsure as to the future of the blog. I have no way to change the name currently and ryanorion.org does not resonate with me and my journey anymore. I intend to continue blogging and sharing lessons learned along my travels, but am going to take some time to discover where and how that looks.
In the meantime, you can book my services at this site: https://stan.store/ryanfrary
Ryan Orion 
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