Healing the Body

There is a long road ahead of me in terms of recovery for my physical body. My spirit and mental awareness soar for a time and are brought swiftly back to reality as I stand and move around. We are whole beings and reintegrating my physical awareness with the rest of me is the next exploration. I intend to do this with deliberate intention with the foods I eat and the way I move my body.

Despite my intentions I feel two things at once. My body desires to eat constantly. If I allow it, I will start eating and not stop until I need to sleep, then wake up and start eating again. I allowed myself to pursue this lifestyle for 5 days before I started to take a serious look at it. I want to honor my body’s needs for nourishment, but also to maintain that sense of deeper knowing and purpose I experienced during the fast. In context I understand that my vessel is doing what it can to ensure survival and growth, but there seems to be something deeper here.

I feel that a part of it is the way in which I have processed emotions throughout my life. In exploring my memories I realized that food has been a constant struggle or question for me since my teen years. I would go on fad diets for a time, lose weight and “look good” for a period of time before things would return to the same pattern of feeling empty inside and then I would try to fill that void with whatever I could, primarily snacks. A part of me thought I had conquered that part of myself and that is what brought a major break through for me. I am not here to conquer my body. I am here to love it. While I do not intend to fall into the same patterns of my life, I feel now that they originally started from that mindset.

Trying to conquer the body creates a rebellious nature within. Each time I would succumb to the temptation of eating something sweet and sugary I would over eat, because I had denied myself so many times before. This would perpetuate the imbalance as I stopped eating things I enjoyed for a while, and would then go on a binge where I felt like nothing would ever satisfy the hunger within. I feel that part of this is healed through letting go of the negative voice. It is the pattern of rebellious consumption, followed by the scourging from that voice that causes the cycle to continue. By acknowledging the pattern and the need for balance, without being unnecessarily cruel to ourselves, we can find a greater connection to ourselves. This connection allows for us to enjoy the foods we have in healthy ways.

The second part for me has been gratitude. I am so very thankful for every bite of food that goes in to me. I have not fully experienced this level of appreciation for nourishment until the fast. While I see that there is room for my eating patterns to improve, I am so very thankful to go through them. I am grateful for the people who have prepared it, harvested it, and planted it. Everyone along the way has blessed this meal as it comes to me. Even though I might be eating several meals for every meal I have, I am grateful for the experience.

All the Love,

Ryan Orion