It is amazing to me how easy it is to slip and fall. I have spent much of my life tumbling from decks, stages, couches, cars, motorcycles and more. Sometimes it was with intent, and other times it was less purposeful. The life-changing ones were the ones that I was not quite fully aware of. They were subtle missteps that I knew I would regret. Learning from them is how we release their hold on us. It is so very important to be kind to ourselves in those moments, to embrace the slip as an opportunity to find new footing, and to move forward.
Yesterday I was given a “Boom Boom” stick. While the name is quite provocative, it is a smelling snifter with essential oils in it. It does not “technically” count as food and is not breaking my fast, but it does impede the spirit of it. A big part of this has been the removal of external dopamine, so that I can simply be myself and know those inner most parts. I am amazed by how quickly old habits and patterns appear when the box is opened. I began to sniff it quite a few times in a row. Soon I was “hitting” it like a cigarette through my nose. Soon after that I was hiding it from others because of the shame I felt. Here I am supposed to be fasting and meditating and I am hiding in a back room inhaling essential oil vapors. *tut tut*
Even as I write this I think about it sitting in my pocket. While this is a health item and I have never heard of someone harming themselves from essential oils, it does represent a pattern in my life that was destructive by nature. As soon as I tuned into that, I felt a frequency shift within me. It was like adjusting a radio tuner to a new station. I felt less light and more chaotic. You can call it coincidence, but my bike was stolen about two hours later. When we downshift in frequencies quickly we experience some friction, for me the bike being stolen is a reminder of that. (I do hope that whoever took it really needed it)
Now I have the perspective of seeing those old patterns. I can forgive myself and let go more easily. a few months ago slipping into an old pattern would have earned me days or weeks of self-flagellation in the form of thoughts like “you are a failure,” “you always do this,” and “that figures, what else did you think you were going to do?” Now there is an acknowledgement for the growth and desire to love myself more. Had I used the snifter a week from now, the experience would have been one of exploration and joy, and perhaps I will use it again after the fast. Essential Oils are powerful in their ability to heal. As it stands right now, it feels like I cheated a little bit.
It is funny to me where I am in my journey that I am equally upset about a bike, that I worked and paid for being stolen, and using an essential oil sniffer for a few hours. This is not quite the Four Winds blowing Odysseus back to the beginning, but for me it is pretty close. I am excited to redirect my focus and energy within. The snifter and the bike have been entertaining, but they have largely been a distraction from my intention, knowing myself as God.
All the Love,
Ryan Orion
Fasting Notes:
All of the excitement yesterday has put me into a place of very low energy and introspection today. I find it hard to move or think straight. There feels to be an even deeper call to truly find “me.” I know I am here for a purpose and part of that purpose is sharing experience, lessons and wisdom that comes in on my journeys. I would like a little more direction on how to explore that, and I hope that is what comes in.
Last night was difficult. I sobbed for myself and my own suffering and could feel parts of my heart coming closer together. I was letting out wales and could feel my body responding to the vibration of grief. There was a lot of stored up sorrow within me that I have never expressed. When it came out I did feel better, but still had quite a bit of dissonance within. Only after going for a midnight walk and laying under a bush and tree for a while was I able to allow my nervous system to relax. In general I am maintaining presence, but right now I really just want this whole thing to be over.
Ryan Orion 
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