In church as a child it was common to hear an unkind phrase used to describe a “holier than thou” brother, “Peter Priesthood.” This was the kind of person who did things not because they felt right, but because they were seen as right. It is quite common for many to seek to be seen as closer to God, or more in tune with spirit. I always thought both the name and the concept were rather silly as a child. Now my eyes have opened up to that person within me. With the benefit of some perspective, I can share just how that has manifested in my life and hopefully how to let it go.
A big part of the “I know something you do not know” mentality is from a deep insecurity. For me this insecurity stemmed from a belief that people did not like me. In truth, I had room to grow, and outsourced my sense of self to others. When our sense of value is given away, it can be trampled on. While it may feel good in the moment to complain and blame others. We are solely responsible for it. At the time, I did not know this. So each time I would take a hit to my ego or self-esteem, I changed the story around so I could withstand the pain of what I was feeling. The story I told myself is “they do not like me because I am better than them.”
It then becomes a self fulfilling cycle. The very habits and behaviors that were alienating me from people and causing the conflict in the first place, became the catalyst for me to see myself as better than. This in turn became pride and a light arrogance that I would wear. All of my victories and social faux-pas would become more ammunition for the next round of “I am better than.” All the while deep inside I had deep anxiety and depression for many years. Every time I put myself in contact with others, I already began by distancing myself from potential pain. This type of alienation is very lonely and perpetuates more of the wound, continuing the cycle.
The reality is that I was lying to myself. I hid all of my misdeeds from everyone including myself. On Sundays I would pass the sacrament and on weekdays I would be stealing DVDs and candy from Wal-Mart. Had I heard about another stealing at church I would have given a small gasp and a shake of the head. I would correct the foul language I heard around my fellow Christian youth, and would then swear like a 5-time deployed Master Sergeant around my neighborhood friends. This schism between the desire to be free and open and the want to be seen as wise and blessed took many years for me to fully realize. There is only so far one can separate themselves before there is a coming home.
The blending of the light and shadow is something we all experience and will continually experience; so I am still coming home in a lot of ways. BUT the aha moment for me was revealed during this past year of separating and divorcing. I had been living a lie for so long, that having it come to a head was life shattering. I presented myself to be a certain way for years and to be seen as attractive, competent and nice. Naturally people begin to treat you as you present yourself. When you are at home, the act begins to slip and all of that hidden and repressed you begins to seep out. This is true for all parties. A lot of our pain in marriages and relationships in general, is from people falling in love with the presentation, and having to live with the person.
I had come to a point where I could no longer hide from my behaviors. As the facade slipped further and further away, we could not find common ground. We chose to engage in conflict and struggle again and again. Without shared values, mutual respect or an understanding of who your partner really is, it is terribly difficult to maintain a relationship. The patterns of self-deception with moments or real authenticity escalated until there was a breaking point. In that moment there is a rush of clarity as there is no more hiding from the truth. You look straight into the icky gooey parts of yourself and say “I love you, you are coming with me.” This brutal self-acceptance as both the perpetrator and the victim of our own actions carves the path to the “real” us.
There are times where I miss the ignorance I lived in. Despite how painful it was; there was a comfort in the certainty of my own made suffering. While I will not return to that pattern again, it is valuable to appreciate how we found ourselves in it. Consistency is seductive. For much of my life I would have rather maintained a harmful practice rather than face the uncertainty of going alone for a time. And a part of me inside is still mildly judgmental of people who get divorced. So much of that childhood programming comes to the surface for a time. Releasing those patterns is a life long goal of mine. I still want to be seen as noble and special. The journey now is allowing for my harsher and less kind parts to be seen and embraced too. “Peter Priesthood” gets to come along too. Now he rides in the back seat.
All the Love,
Ryan Orion
Fasting Notes:
I am excited to say that today is day one. 🙂
I had always imagined doing a prolonged fast like this out in the wild or on a mountain top somewhere. Experiencing this while being part of a community has been an incredible journey. I have shared in so many stories and received simple love from so many people that it has been absolutely wonderful to be a part of. I am grateful for the souls here at Earth and Soul.
I offer personal services for channeling, energy healing and mentorship. My work and this blog are all donation based, so check out the schedule and book a session!
Join me May 21 for a live Devotional 6PM CT
I will be covering parts of this journey not covered in the blog and will be sharing some more life experience and general wisdom.
Ryan Orion 
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