Fasting Day 3 of 40

What a wonderful day to be alive. The sun is shining and the clouds offer intermittent shade. It is a wonderful day for a fast.

I think with every undertaking of magnitude it is important to be present here and now, but also have questions you wish to answer as you explore. From one of my mentors, “They used to say to enter a Labrynth with a question. As you navigate the corridors hold it loosley and see what answers come to you. As I navigate this fast, some of the questions I have are these: Can I heal fully from old traumas? What is the path for my soul in this life? And How do I truly know myself as Source?

Healing from Old Traumas:

In 2021 I was involved in a near death car accident. The collision happened near 60 MPH at the time of impact. It is a miracle I limped out of the hospital later that day. Despite exiting on my own two legs, changes happened to my body that I have yet to fully integrate. My shoulder sits differently, my leg too, and my jaw has some need of greater alignment.

The Car:

Me the day after:

The collision and injuries sustained are a reflection of something much deeper. There is a part of me that has actively sought pain. For many years I found validation in suffering. I would put myself in situations to hurt myself, or others, either in the form of contact sports like Football, Rugby, or Muay Thai. Anytime I felt okay, it felt wrong. I missed the twinge, the ache, the sting. After I moved away from those kinds of sports, small injuries and oopsies would continually manifest into my reality. A misstep here or an accident there. It has been the greatest release of my life to let go the need to find my sense of life from my suffering.

Suffering is an aspect that all of us have to view at one point or another. However, I would say the biggest difference between pain and suffering is pain is felt immediately and in the presence of stimulus. Suffering is something we elect to participate in after the event has happened. It is the story that we tell ourselves about the pain that causes it to last. Scored low on a test? “I’m stupid” Get caught in a lie, “I’m a liar.” These types of phrases are reinforcements of a false belief: that you are the same person who made the error that caused the pain. Example: I want to eat two pizzas. Result: my tummy hurts. I now have a broader width of knowledge to experience life, I can accept the lesson learned or choose to create one of those stories again, “I’m so dumb I should have known better.” But how could you or I have known better had we not first experienced that moment. In a great many ways, suffering is using the lesson learned as evidence of perceived lack, instead of empowering what is now new perspective.

The Path of my soul:

It is a bittersweet truth that finding the path is in letting go. I have come to this knowledge again and again and am continually surprised that I need the reminder and that the answer is always that simple. Let go. This is tied greatly to our sense of suffering. If we believe that suffering is a requirement for our lives, we will push away every opportunity that offers itself to us. In this place we become so used to resistance that truly letting go is terrifying.

It is the death of the small self, a death of the ego. We in personal perspective have an idea of where we want to go and make a plan on getting there. This creates a limited view of the world and prevent us from finding joy where we are. This view will either be disabused of us or hold us steady until we become as golems, stricter and tighter in our experience that is necessary. These rock men are ones that do not compromise and only see their goals. I have experienced life as a free man and a golem. I appreciate my years of rigidity and give thanks for the opportunity to explore anew.

Knowing Self As Source:

The last question answers this one to some extent. To me the important distinction is this: The path is how I come to discover myself as Source and knowing myself as Source is knowing myself as Source. I want to know how I become closer to my most authentic self and to have always known myself as my most authentic self. It is the paradox of knowing myself as Perfection, but also realizing there is room for growth. What else is a perfect system, if not one that recognizes itself where it is and also how it can expand?

Fasting Notes:

I have deliberated much over the following. This fast is not about losing weight or some kind of feeling of lack or judgement of my body. I am thankful for this body and am excited for many more years. The point of deliberation for me has been this: Should I share pictures of my physical change? I do not wish to empower the critical voice that pokes at every perceived imperfection, but rather empower the spirit that rests within.
I have decided to share pictures for the sake of sharing the changes that I am undergoing in this process, and to help ease curiosity. One of the first questions I would have for someone who underwent a prolonged fast, is how were you before? I intend to convey the changes with my words through these writings and through some pictures. Should I change my mind at some point I will remove them.

Day 2: